Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Top 5 Things NOT To Say To Someone When They Are Single

I alternate between being very, very aggravated and slightly amused when people in couples talk to me about being single like it's a disease that I need immediate treatment for, lest they catch it. Don't worry! I won't blow on you and give you Singleitis. And no, there's not a vaccine for that. Although there could be a new medication with side effects that include happiness, comfy pajamas, vegan cookies, endless episodes of LOST, blogging, writing novels, sleeping comfortably, never getting into fights, no annoying pseudo-inlaws and not having to motherfucking answer to anyone, ever.

So in no particular order: my top 5 trite, Trying-To-Comfort-The-Pathetic-Singleton things to NOT say to a single person:

1. Don't worry, you'll meet someone soon.
Do I look worried? Is this my worried face? No, this is my blissful, "I'm a free bitch, baby!" face. Look, I could go to the nearest 7-11 and "meet someone soon", but that doesn't mean I want to.

2. You just haven't met the right person yet.
Yup. I've met Dumb, Dumb and Dumber, the Uncrowned King Of All Liars, the Uncrowned Queen Of All Evil, Jealous Control Freak Dude 2.0, The Only Book I've Read Is The Bible Guy, Sensitive Chick With A Lot Of Issues Who Ends Up Being Totally Nuts, The You're A Vegan? I'm A Hunter Man and the I'm Really A Straight Girl But I'm Just Really Into You. And that's just a few reasons why I like being single.

3. Have you tried internet dating?
No, I've been living under a rock for the past decade. Next!

4. You always meet someone when you aren't looking.
You know what happens to me when I am not looking? Accidents. Accidents happen to me when I don't look. Seriously, what kind of crazy, quasi-Zen bullshit is that? Is it a koan? 'Cuz it should be if it isn't.

5. Ooooh, I know the greatest (fill in the blank)! (He or she) would be perfect for you!
Really? Because blind dates always work out so well for me! Kind of like picking a doctor at random from the phone book.

So peeps in couples, think twice before you assume that every single person you meet is just dying to meet someone. Maybe they're happier than you are! Or maybe they aren't, whatever. The take home message is: I will be single until I'm not. I try to keep the door open to all possibilities in life, but right now I would prefer it to be mostly closed. And now the Universe will probably curse me with the Prince or Princess Charming as soon I post this blog.


  1. OMG I love this post! I especially love the part about the question about whether you've tried Internet dating. My mother suggested that to me, and I blew up - we didn't talk for five months. I was so pissed! Anyways, I met you through the Meat Market book discussion and I'm happy to have found your blog!

  2. just reading your blog for the first time. hooray - now i can hear maria's voice in my head whenever i want! whipsmart and hilarious, as always...